unrelated things i needed to give form
i need to write these things down because i can't always make it to the computer, and releasing even a tiny fraction of my scattershot thoughts will relieve some of the pressure inside me.
i saw a post that- and i don't want to be specific here- described someone going out of their way to give off a smell.
it made me think about how it made that person happier, and how being near that strong sensory data would make me feel worse.
that thought made me think about how the beeping of the buttons that change the crosswalk indicator would, on a bad day, be enough to give me sensory overload, and how removing them would screw over tons of people.
in turn, that thought lead me to think about those raised crosswalks in, like, the netherlands or something. how they serve not just people with visual or mobility issues but literally all pedestrians by forcing cars to slow down when approaching a crosswalk.
i thought about how we could have those too, but a mix of conscious evil and apathetic incompetence is pushing back against those kinds of live-saving changes, and that made me feel less guilty for briefly thinking about myself.
i wondered if it would annoy people to see two posts from me within an hour, even though my blog wasn't verified. i wondered if i was more concerned about looking foolish or about annoying strangers.
i thought about him, and wondered if it was because i still missed someone i hate or if i thought i missed him because it would make me sound interesting. i'll be wondering which is worse.
eventually i hit publish, because the nausea was getting too strong and i needed to lie down.