spite as a substitute for entropy
the homepage for my blog currently promises bad takes, so here's one for ya.
Content Warning: suicidal thoughts when i was an edgy, socially awkward teenager, i once introduced myself as "motivated by spite". it was the result of my brain panicking when i was put on the spot, but those words still rang true.
see, a year or two before that, my only motivation to live was a fear of death. i was depressed and alone, waiting to see a psychiatrist who ended up medicating me, and fighting the creeping entropy that was offering a "solution" to the suffocating feeling the world had imparted on me. for months i would spend every day pacing, breathing heavily and holding back tears. my healthcare system had told me to wait months in this state, the cue to see a psychiatrist was just that long.
fast forward to the age that i'm making my "spite" comment (and being laughed at for it), and a fire has been lit in me. one that fends off the shadowy tendrils of the void, loosening their grip on my throat. the psychiatrist had rejected other thoughts i had about my mental health (which i later proved were entirely correct), i felt my parents had failed to address the situation properly, school had been a torturous experience that felt designed to hurt me, and my life up to that point had been lonely and hollow. i found an ember comprised of teen angst and rebellious anger, a fury born from feeling as though the world was, at best, wholly apathetic to my suffering. i knew that, had i let entropy consume me, my life would amount to a short story where someone is miserable and then dies alone. i took those feelings and decided that i would choose to live as an act of spite against that harsh world, against the adults who watched me decay, against a society that deemed me too "weird" to be tolerable. where there had been a suffocating nothing, i put a fiery spite.
look, long-term, that's not healthy.
living because you're too angry to die is the wrong way to handle things.
thing is, if you're desperate and alone, you can survive on spite. it's like surviving on burning fat instead of eating, which is better than running out of calories, but means you're in the red and need to find food. my goal is to leave this mentality, but as my head continues to be pushed under the tide, spite warms me enough to let me fight back.
the obvious question about a post where i say didn't die because of something and then tell you it's bad is: "Why would you make this?"
i made this post because for so many years, i've seen things from people with close families or friends, some kind of autonomy, and/or a religion they're devoted to. they all denounce the idea that you should ever use being angry as a reason to keep going. they have ideas about how "you're not actually alone, your family loves you!" or "if you aren't happy with your environment, change it! leave it!" or "God is testing you. have faith." and this constant messaging that you're only unhappy because you choose to be is so isolating. shockingly, messages about how you're wrong and stupid for being sad aren't helpful!
attempts to talk me out of my motivation have always fascinated me because, like, why would you? if i tell you "i'm not going to kill myself and it's because i'm angry at the world for dropping me this low", what possible justification is there for saying "hmm, have you considered that the reason you won't kill yourself is stupid? maybe you shouldn't feel that way"? what are you expecting will happen when you cut the legs off my table and replace them with, like, the idea of being happy?
misery loves company, and it won't go away without great effort. of course, i know how hard you're trying, because i've been trying too. as the world tries to drown you, maybe you'll find some comfort in knowing that i'm fighting too.
in the meanwhile, since misery loves company, i'm sure we'll get on great.
my name's- well, i don't currently have one. how about you just tell me yours?