sleeping shouldn't be this hard
for the past two or so months, i've been trying to sleep "right".
all that actually means is that i'm attempting to fall asleep at a normal time.
not sleeping right has been a problem in my life for what must be a third of it by now.
i get that reprogramming a habit i've had for so long would naturally be difficult,
but i can't even get a foot in the door.
i've tried exhausting myself by refusing to sleep when it gets too late to have a meaningful effect, but i can't stay awake through the day afterwards.
i've tried to restrict myself from looking at screens so i don't get more alert- much to the chagrin of my ADHD- but i get tired too early and can't hold on to that feeling long enough to reach a time where sleeping is feasible.
there's probably a mental aspect to it. something about my trauma or present circumstances that makes me want to be awake at night. less smoke and noise at night, that's probably a key part.
i don't even want to sleep "right"; i was doing fine before. the problem is that the pills i had to start need to be taken in intervals throughout the day, and my previous approach to sleep where i just did it when i was tired (y'know, the natural way) is incompatible with this schedule.
my accursed body continues to throw new problems at me like the ocean hurling waves at someone cast into the sea who is struggling to keep their head above water.
and that's me: someone fighting desperately and without respite just to stay above water.