failure, hash browns, albums
been a minute, huh?
haven't had anything to say- well, i have, but there was always some reason not to elaborate on the drafts that swirled in my head- but i gotta post eventually, so here's a sampling of what's on my mind
a short-lived attempt to leave the house
i guess you could call me a hermit- it sounds much better than NEET, at least- but i worry that the label would imply i've chosen this path. in reality, i've been restless and eager to find something to do outside of my cage. the explanation for how i got here is complicated and not worth giving, but the highlights are that i have a lot of physical and mental restrictions that keep me from doing most things, and that i live in an extremely hostile area where most of the people would hurt me if i didn't hide my differences (a guy did knock me off my feet in a kitchen once, but i have no reason to think it was a hate thing)
recently, seeing an opportunity to leave the house to do something other than consult doctors, i figured i'd volunteer at the local library. working in a library would probably fit within the parameters that my various ailments have set for me, so i took the natural next step and waited like four days??? to call and ask if they had anything for me to do.
uh, they said no, and that was the end of all that.
look, i'll probably check in with another library a little further out, and maybe see what else is in the area, but what an incredible start to my quest. i spent four days getting my hopes up and they were crushed in nineteen seconds. my phone timed it, i know that's the exact number.
~hash browns interlude~
i got my hands on some frozen hash browns that can be air fryed (air fryer'd?) and two things stuck out to me:
the first is that my body processed them surprisingly well. they still hurt pretty bad for a bit, like most food, but the discomfort faded faster than usual, and there were no problems... lower... in the process.
the second is that they tasted like good food. it's been what feels like ages since i stopped being able to eat the kinds of greasy, delicious foods you probably take for granted, and this might be the first time since then that a food has given me the kind of food euphoria i used to get from stuff like pizza and... whatever else i used to like.
i got a small bit of optimism from all this- i almost never get these moments, the ones where it feels like i could live something resembling a "normal" life. it surely sounds strange that someone could gain a more positive outlook from hash browns, but i really needed this win.
albums?
i've been almost exclusively listening to albums for the past... however many days (probably a week) and it's been strange.
albums themselves aren't a strange concept to me- i already listened to music that way sometimes- but the main way i've consumed music for years has been through playlists, and within that it was primarily a playlist of whatever songs i liked, unorganized and lacking any theme or vibe, placed on shuffle. i think my depression might be doing that thing where it suddenly gets worse for a while, because i really don't know what else would invoke this weird feeling of, like, being adverse to the chaos that comes from playlists that are inherently less cohesive than listening to an album where everything is connected and made by one group. of course, i also haven't been listening to most of the albums i used to listen to, so maybe this means nothing and i know nothing?
if you've got recommendations for albums, i would very much like to hear them. here's my email and here's an album i've listened to like ten times in two days
🍄✨🍄✨🍄✨🍄✨
i saw something from someone about how they liked reading posts that don't have a thesis, and i don't remember who said it or where (not that my blog is good enough to be linking other blogs), but anyway i've been thinking about that because i don't really write without a thesis, i don't really even do anything that would allow me to write without one, and i'm not sure i know what that even means. does this post have a thesis? i figure the thesis is just "here's what i've been up to" but maybe i just have a very loose understanding of the word?
was this post worth waiting a month?
🍄✨🍄✨🍄✨🍄✨